The oriental Jerk

Ever saw a 28 year old kid?. I once had the privilege of living in the esteemed presence of one. And the first thing he is gonna do if he ever comes across this "piece" is to make a gloomy corny face and nod his head approvingly. Wish if his curses remained just curses as always.

Well before I saw him I heard about him, but the contrast in looks caught me offguard. First time I met him, he was doing the only thing he ever did with conviction and control..... Smoking. Moving in with him was as easy as rampaging a sand castle. Not before long did I realize that I have made a big semi-mistake.

The protagonist under the scanner is some sort of multifaceted kid. Each one adorning different attributes of a child. For easier understanding let me introduce the faces first.

1. Imagine a kid making a gloomy face if some one f....ed his girlfriend. Well that's exactly the face this guy is going to make if you tried cooking non-veg in the kitchen or even proposed doing so.

2. Ask a 5 year old kid to tell you the story of "tortoise and hare", I bet the kid will take the best effort to make sure you understood him using overemphasis on words and actions. So will our guy if you ever asked him about any thing, be it be "the use of a cigarette butt". And the amount of prosopopoeia is that much at some point of time you will actually start feeling you are "the cigarette butt".

3. You want to make him cry....... Tell him he had horns like a horse and run away. Making kids cry might turn a tough task at times.

4. Does daily tasks like cleaning the kitchen and stacking books with more dedication and effort than kids play "doctor and patient". Effective though.

5. Make and suggest liquor cocktails like a 3 year olds watercolour painting.

6. Should be frequently fed with milk or milk products, more frequently than newborns be breast fed.

7. God only understands.....May be kids too, his choice of women.

8. Reasons to be angry...........Kids here's your leader.

9. Reasons to be upset........Sorry no apparent reason. Kids you have some possible reasons to suggest?

10. Amount of uptime on a normal day.....Directly proportional to the amount of milk consumed and no hours spent on mesmerising antique hindi flicks. Kids all you need is some popcorn and a cartoon channel.

11. More melodrama....More appealing and satisfying. Like more the free time, the more happy kids are.

12. To break off.....Tell him he is a jerk. Where as you can ask a kid to just keep away.

13. He plans no better than how kids plan to go to heaven.

Enough of attributes. Try some qualifiers:

Madir Baba
Rathan Lal Baba
Lotan Baba
Spider Baba
Baba Lal Charlie
Baba
Father of melodrama
Buddha
Harry ( Courtesy : Tom, Dick and Harry)

The postulates of Baba

1. Mansoor is the epicenter of Bigbang.

2. Every body need to go one day ( Don't really know where......Guess its the barber shop) the sooner the better.(Ah...Can't be anything other a than the barber shop)

3. Coital Alignment Technique (Also called CAT) is not the end of the world. There is some sort of civilization/ life beyond.

4. The day on which milk gets costlier and more efficient than crude is not far. If there is a world war three that's going to a shuffle over milk producing regions. And that's when Mansoor will be the superpower.

5. Civilization started, boomed and spread out from Mansoor.

6. Strongly suspect devil seduced Eve with a tin of "sreekand" and not an apple.

7. Man invented "sreekand" well before wheel and fire.

All apologies, though I might have already found an priority space in your miles long list of mortals heading for eternal damnation and everlasting darkness.

Evanesce

Circumstances forced me in to the coffee shop. Not that I hated the place but it was not in the agenda. Let me set the expectations right. An hour from now, will their sense of purpose suppress their ID aggressions? In another hour, I guess their ego will be too immature to do that - experience counts. Well the force with which I am going to come down on the wannabees is directly related to the time gap between me walking in to the shop and the shop shutting down.

Let me analyze the prospectus at hand. Deep breath.......Opened the door. Reasonable catch. An average collection for a Sunday evening, when people are expected to be found in more sophisticated locations. I have a book and a map of London. Took the map from the library when I walked out. A freebie. Now I know what to do. Browse the map, if it is not interesting enough read the book.

Got the coffee. Was never a fan of the coffee from that shop. Could easily perceive "ostrich heads" popping up when I started to spread out the A1 size London map. In a place where eccentricity are a rule than exceptions, I wonder why people are concerned. The foolishness of me studying a London city map, kept on recurring in my ego. I really wonder if London will be kind enough to appear in my wildest dreams even if I slept on cloud nine. Doesn't matter. Parks, shopping streets, WCs, WCs for the disabled, tube stations, express ways to the airport, canals, pathways, tube paths, art galleries, theaters ........what not, tried to locate each and every symbol according to the legend. My attention turned to ads in the back.... ads about plays , cinemas, tours, public interest ads, university ads .......Ohhh....damn ....How did I miss that. My eyes fell on the book by the map. Impressive cover illustration.

How could I miss it. I admired its author, hence me selecting the book was more or less an involuntary act of choosing it from the shelf spotting the name of the author and my brain pressing the fact to me that its his latest work. Most of the times book selection used to happen the other way round. Admiring the beauty of the book and then checking for the details. Whatever, the book at hand looks like a reasonable choice. A lady fading away. That too a lady in short hair. God I am overwhelmed by the illustration in the cover.

Map regained its original shape. Book spread wide open before me. My efforts to read it was a disaster. I was humbled by my ignorance. "Carer" what the hell does a carer mean. Damn the protagonist, the lady is a "carer". I came across the word more than once in the first page. This can't go forward. To the backside of the book. Expected author profile. Nothing new, am well aware of the guy. Searched the book throughout for all written information except the novel in itself.

Unforeseen crowd in the shop. Here they come....Two girls. Lucky me, shared my table, thanks for the lack of space. My ears tuning in for chit chat. Boom, ...."How did you solve the bernoulli's theorem problem?....The answers didn't match for me".

God what has this earth come to. Didn't have to wait for long, my curiosity vaporised. The would be IT jerks. That's an easy guess. Preparing to take the stupidest plunge of their life. B.E. God save you ladies. The illustration on the book generates more curiosity in me than your life-death exam experience.

Me my book. Thoughts......I should blog about this evening......I should sit in the beach and drink.....I should sit in the balcony and drink.....I should quit.....I should take up an post graduate degree in anything other than technology...... Should own a shot gun......Direct a movie......Drive.....Kill.......

Not many are left. Well, before the imminent situation of "not any are left", I walked out. The guy in the counter was amused by the aggressiveness of my motion, failing him in his expectation of me floating out. Thanks for the tranquility which commanded my composure so far.

How can I come down on a devastated soul. That would be a crime against humanity I guess. More over I will lose all the pleasure in seeing someone torment in pain, in case he makes the sense out of my expressions. Can't part with that. Gave him chances/choices.

Dove

Came across a recent movie trailer featuring a guy with wings. I think god would have alleviated half our woes if he had given us wings. Got really impressed by the imagination of the movie director. Unfortunately that was a kind of movie which clearly falls outside my spectrum, and am going to make a decent effort to keep away from.

Ah..Wings, has never thought of so far. It should look great on my body. Two wings made of white feathers protruding below my articulatio humeri. Should make my life hell lot easier I guess. Travel to office, which now is a narrow path between potential absolute oblivion(thanks for the more than decent traffic) and the thrill of gripping my hands more and more authoritatively on my accelerator, to give vent to my last remaining belligerency , stand the chance of being a potential adventure, and at the same time catering to my innate voyeuristic self. Can't really imagine the commotion of people when I fly out of my balcony with my bag strapped to my back.

The major impact will be in my mindset towards my body, who is now bearing the blunt off all that alcohol, meat and sleep. From the "so far so good", I don't care attitude, I may change and look forward to tuning it so that some day I might look like the hero in the movie. Who knows I might someday fly out of my window in a low waist blue denim jeans, shirtless, barefoot, strapping a laptop on my back. Some day...

That makes me think of some potential misfits.

• Me walking on the office floor in formal outfits including tie and the wings protruding from my back.
• My manager will be more than amused I guess.
• Think of the cubicle real-estate. I should be having a real hard time negotiating with my Admin Dept. For a larger cubicle. The cancellation of the transport service should give me an edge.
• Feather care add up with skin care, body care , hair care and similar "cares" with which I am least concerned and will remain so.
• Though I am pretty peculiar about having snow white wings, I really wonder who is going to take the trouble. I wish god should, since he is the one who is going to give me the wings.
• Swimming would be something I might withdraw not able to withstand the stares of people on my wet, drooping wings.
• Wings with out a halo.....Once I have wings I thing I can bargain for a halo too. Wand- not interested but don't mind a beer bottle while flying.

My favorite flight destination.....Tall apartments. Preferred flight timings.....Beyond 18:00. Hmm....She will have a real tough time trying to bring me down in the evenings I guess.

But frankly if I get every thing I wish for tomorrow, I would simply chop those off with out a second thought. Reason, it would be as if a obese pig was flying if I ever made an attempt. And the extra wings will be just a space consumer like my belly without any use. Already I drink like a fish with a drinking problem, god only knows how many open decked liquor vans I would be looting.

Mermaid

I had a stint with mermaid fantasies when I was a kid. The thought I would shake it off when I grow up was a mistake. It is still the best fantasy I ever had. Living with mermaids. I think I got the concept from a movie, not even sure if it was a dream. Thus goes my memory...Hero trapped in water is rescued by mermaids....Grey shining tails, brown hair with Amy Lee looks, fast movements, not sure how it happens but the hero starts living with them in spite of of being a human....falls in love with one....Hero's ship comes back looking for him....He gets back on board....His mermaid lover taken along with him.....Thrown back to water.....She along with a few mermaid friends of her looks on as the ship moves away.

I never saw a better mermaid, but have seen nearly close ones. One in a song....The protagonist sits dreaming of a mermaid in a coffee shop....He going down the sea....In full diving suit.....She removing it....Making him a part of the sea....The mermaid was colorful...Voluptuous....But not graceful or innocent. He shakes of his dream just to notice that the waitress was the mermaid he just saw.

Other a guy busy lonely in his apartment...Night time...Nothing to do....Hears thumping sound ...Makes it to the window....There she is on the road...Beckoning him down...Guy is not surprised...Just keeps on staring.

Wonder how she looks if she were a mermaid. Unlike previous posts this time I reveal my poison. Kate Winslet. We would definitely miss her gorgeous legs. But she should be an ideal candidate to be a mermaid. What a creature. Some times I think god is a sadist. Why had he given me instincts which I can't pursue or achieve. But anybody has to admit to his craftsmanship. Michelangelo, you are a loser.

She is a "champagne bomb". You have every reason to wonder what it is. Even I did when I first came across the term. It is a candy. Got it from a book. May be you can get it in Tokyo. The protagonist who lived in Tokyo was a big consumer of the same. When you hunt for female beauty in all its rawness what else can you zero on if not Kate. She can burn holes in rock. I don't know what she is, but her characters are chosen with care. Not all, the ship saga was a disaster.

Wish I could kidnap her. Not on a gunpoint or knife point. Not sure if there is another way of doing it. Ofcourse there is the possibility of luring someone in to a trap. But that doesn't look like a feasible method considering the age of the person I want. Lets forget for a while the most difficult part of the activity, the part of kidnapping process in itself.

The following maynot seem like rational thoughts to anyone, but its my blog afterall. I do expect some character and manners from my hostage. I guess you all understand the progress we have made in the activity. I expect her to be calm, brave, intelligent, rational and ofcourse optimistic about the whole affair. But I will definitely use a handcuff she shouldn't get a feeling that she is not under bondage.

We shall go for a ride. In a desert, a ride lasting say five hours. I don't know why she never makes a sound. I keep on playing heavy metal music. I talk. I really wonder if she following, am least concerned. Talking for 5 hours in a stretch, its going to be even my maiden effort. Will drop her in the next gas station. I don't actually do anything. Will just stop the car. Hope she swims out. Well the interesting part if I wish if all of this is a coincidence. She, me, desert, the car...etc. I should be relieved from the responsibility of making choices. Ah...Desert under the water, I know it sounds awful enough, even more embarrassing would be me trying to drive a car in there with a tail to handle the pedals instead of legs and a lady by my side whom I should prevent from swimming away.

Serenity

Always wondered what dope would be like. I mean real white stuff. Though I don't know what I want from it, I very well know how I want it. May be I should try to carry you through some stereotype scenarios so that you could/ might appreciate my novel ideas.

Clad in a jeans, topless, on the floor, dirty shabby bedsheet, dim sunlight streaming through the Venetian blinds, Spoon, syringe, lighter, belt, aluminum foil, mortals lying all around, nauseating......

In a towel, on a chair, infront of a glass-top table, the thin glass separator, glass straw, the penultimate guy falling backwards to the sofa unable to handle the hit, hopes, frustrations.....solutions....

Here you go... In the coffee shop, crowd bustling all around, news paper infront on the table, managing to get it in to circulation in the gap between placing the order for expresso and its arrival, observing the crowd, traffic through the window, setting sun in the background, may be planning for the dinner, may be waiting for her, stealing glances at her.......

Infront of the machine, in your cubicle, in between email replays, phone calls, crashes, coffee breaks, fag breaks, shouting, keyboard strokes, when people just look away from you for a nick of time, trying to get it in to circulation, from the groove of your keyboard meant for pencil....lights get dimmer, emails smoother, the guy in the cabin cooler, the bitch across the cube smarter, keystrokes fluid, ringtones sootheing.....refreshing....productivity ambiguous, targets achievable but irrelevant....

On the beach, witnessing the setting sun, she by my side, lying face down,melancholy in the air, kids playing, buckets in all colours, spades, salt in the air,on my tongue, ah......, sneeze, waves lashing at the tip of my fingers, sun in rainbow colours, she dissolving in to the white sand, all that is left is her blond hair, kids shouting in the ear, is that not a rising sun, watch closely, oh god how come I missed all the daffodils on the dune, hey daffodils at my feet, on her hair, hey why are they turning to white sand when I try to pluck them, god am I a part of the sea, water all around, guess I lost her........

Machine

Somebody placed a plant in my cube long back. That was a crude violation of my personal space. As a token of protest I deleted the e-mail which accompanied it explaining how to take care of it, without even bothering to read. But since I didn't really have a choice without hurting the mortals concerned, I retained it- let it remain. I was humane, I watered it. I don't think I watered it regularly, but I did so when ever I saw it.

Come on... you can be a bit more generous it's a living being. Ah.. Enough. Hereafter I shall call my protagonist "Iris" , no more "it". Well Iris you have to understand, it was not definitely my choice to have you with me. I would like to very much, but I can't let you go ( throw you in my bin). Like it or not you have to bear me. My stares, my overdose of water, my cold treatment, my hostility etc.

Time passed I grew concerned about Iris's health. All I could offer her was water. I really wonder if she ever appreciated that. Because my body often used to go numb with the so called optimum/ regulated/ conditioned temperature of the room. Submerging you in water, Iris, there is nothing more diabolic I guess. But I always thought it would be better than letting you remain hungry, thirsty and numb.

I couldn't help noticing, some more privileged relations of Iris managed to get some sunshine, thanks for the guys they were with, they were the privileged ones in the corp. Obviously had superior stables. I can't help you in that Iris. I am an ordinary guy. But I can see your instincts work. You are getting more and more inclined to the CRT of my monitor. Survivor... I see.

Iris, did I see you shudder when I hit my "enter" key. I am not sure if I am manifesting my fears, but can't help it, that nasty "clink" sound is what my ears hate most. Iris, you should really appreciate my power to control my hands under utter vehemence. It happens twice in a week atleast. Many a times did you flash across my mind as a vulnerable object to be smashed instead of my machine peripherals. You lucky bitch.

Iris, may be your exit to oblivion was a bit premature, but well deserved. Vacation for a week, didn't really think/care about your existence. Sorry. Also I have to confess, that I looked for you around only after I made sure there are no more unread emails. But I am proud to say that I made sure you lived till most of your relations passed of from this world. Iris, hope you are through the exodus, in your promised land. Please grant me a quick death in case I might be placed in your workspace as an artifact when your empire strikes back.